Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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