I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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