I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
