Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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