In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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