do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
