I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
