she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
