Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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