dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
