After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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