So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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