Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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