I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
