battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
