so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
