Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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