My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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