Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's blow job season.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
