So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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