I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
