U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
