I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
