can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
