my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
