She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
