when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
