did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
