Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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