Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
