There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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