I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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