Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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