why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
