I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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