They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
