Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
