The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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