I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
