I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
