I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
