Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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