Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
