areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
