She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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