3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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