i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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