chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
