Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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