Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
