If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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