She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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