Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
