Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's shark week go big or go home
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
