Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
