I am in a vortex of obligation.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Panties = found
Randomize
