Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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